My little social experiment to assess whether the notches in my bedpost were actually just notches or rather grooves of deep-rooted, hidden love got off to a bangin’ start—quite literally. It was a bottle of red, a bottle of white, me, Alejandro, and Mrs. Alejandro who was fresh off the boat from Spain at a cozy French restaurant in the East Village. Mrs. Alejandro was a character straight out of Notting Hill with her hair in a banana clip square on the top of her head and a fondness for date pudding. After we dropped off the slightly tipsy Mrs., it was off to the Upper East Side by way of an inappropriate cab ride that may or may not haunt that cab driver forever. One broken bed later and I knew that Alejandro would never just be another notch in my bedpost—but what about the other men I had dated over my past six years on the Upper East Side? Had I missed my Romeo in a haze of Jameson?
As I sat in my parent’s garage in the dark, locked out after a night of drinking with my college girlfriends, I had a lot to contemplate. Should I go “haute homeless” and sleep in the backseat of one of the cars or get down and dirty Little House on the Prairie-style and call it a night on the tool bench? Were the notches of my date-capades past worth revisiting or should I go back to the Brooks Brother-banker dog and pony show of fresh meat? Or should I just ride it out in a garage and wait for Professor Plum and his lead pipe to come put me out of my misery?
So I put together a list of the past twenty men I had gone on at least one date (or something to that effect) with over my 2,190 days on the Upper East Side. It was an average of 3.33 dates per year, with some of the men being boyfriends of one year plus, some of the men being one-time, never-speak-to-again dates, and the rest being something in between:
20. Alejandro
19. The Young Pup
18. Miggy Fuego
17. J.R. Corduroy
16. Andre from the Corner
15. Johnny the Sake Enthusiast
14. The Fonz
13. Jason
12. Billy Blue
11. The Accountant
10. Benjamin
9. The Trader
8. Jeremy
7. Hershey
6. The Realtor
5. Jimmy Bats
4. The Attorney
3. The Valentine
2. Brady Follows
1. The Englishman
After compiling this very diverse, inter-continental, multi-occupational list, I realized there were quite a few I just couldn’t justify indulging in, even if they were my own sloppy seconds. It was time to check this list twice, Christmas-in-July-style and find out what qualities I really was looking for in a man--and more importantly, qualities that I wanted to steer beyond clear of. Nothing like a little naughty elf-work to start off the summer…
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3 comments:
And I thought we had something! Just kidding, we did have something amazing, our timing just sucked...
We'll always have Paris, as someone once said.
Cap't
Cap't! I'm the worst. Case in point why I shouldn't write while hungover. I owe you one in Paris!
I covered the more wooden sickle years ... but do not tell the wife. lol
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