Sunday, May 15, 2011

Blasts from the Past

It’s been a slow spring in all things dating and love for this Sex & the Upper East Sider. Sure, there had been a few dates here and there, and that one notable middle-of-the-bar makeout session with a twenty-six year old last weekend, but Susan Miller (unfortunately) wasn’t lying when she predicted that my May would consist of a lot of couch time—alone.

As it turned out, April dates don’t bring May orgasms. April started with Johnny who was a radiologist by day and a drunk, divorced dad by night that got smashed Samurai-style on our sushi date. I’d never seen sake consumed with such speed and enthusiasm, but he put Asian drunkenness to shame that night after consuming an entire rice paddy’s worth of Uncle Ben’s favorite stuff. Not to mention that he lived in Brooklyn, and as we all know, long distance never works out—my ass isn’t leaving Manhattan for a man who is highly likely to blackout within the first forty-five minutes of our date. That’s just bad sex waiting to happen.

Then there was Andre who picked me up on the corner of 82nd and Third on his way to Pisa Pizza. While I wasn’t sure if being picked up on a street corner was better or worse than being picked up in a bar, Andre did deserve a little street cred for being the first man in 2011 to buy me flowers. But the fact that Andre was slightly man-orexic, didn’t drink, and was in the middle of finalizing his divorce led me to decide that my adoration of food and alcohol, in addition to my predilection for legally single men, wouldn’t exactly mesh with Andre’s current lifestyle. Needless to say, Andre didn’t make it to May.

Then May hit. First, there were the emails from Alejandro. Then came BBM’s from The Realtor, followed by texts from Miggy Fuego and J.R. Corduroy—all blasts from the past. I had been seriously considering taking off the month of May from dating to focus on drinking with my girlfriends and of course, focusing on my couch as Ms. Miller so eruditely suggested, but then I saw the preview for What’s Your Number?, a romantic comedy starring Anna Farris that’s trailer is surely going to be far funnier than the actual movie itself. In the movie, Anna Farris’ character contemplates whether she overlooked her one true love in all of the men she had dated, and as a result, revisits her twenty ex-boyfriends to determine if she had made a wrong choice somewhere along her merry dating way.

There was no intricate storyline or complex characters here, and definitely no Academy Award nominations in the works, but it was food for thought for my little Sex & the Upper East Side world. Suddenly, four men of my last twenty relationships had come out of the woodwork in less than a week’s time. Coincidence or aligning of my astrological moons? There was only one way to find out.

As “they” say (they being a non-existent, ersatz group of allegedly very wise and all-knowing people), everyone deserves a second chance, and as Jean Nidetch once said, “It's choice--not chance--that determines your destiny.”

Although Nidetch was probably talking about making proper food choices in an effort to lose weight considering she is the founder of Weight Watchers, I’m almost positive that her wise words can apply too to my verge-of-pathetic dating life. Perhaps I had made some wrong choices in the past, just like Nidetch’s overweight followers who order Big Mac’s rather than grilled chicken salads with the dressing on the side. And perhaps some of the schmuck’s from my relationships past did deserve a second chance. Maybe I shouldn’t dump someone just because they wear terribly ugly shoes or say “aks” in stead of “ask”. One drink with each couldn’t hurt, right?

4 comments:

Amber said...

Changing your standards because it's been a slow month or two will just leave you with a hangover and regret. Don't do it girl .... prince charming is out there. And he WILL wear proper shoes and (good lord) will never utter the word aks.....

Anonymous said...

This is the most pathetic piece of garbage article i've ever read, i want that 10 minutes back that I read this article-or tried to read it. Where the hell are you meeting these guys?!...o yeah i forgot the street corner.....lastly, you gotta learn how to form an opinion and stay there!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi! Me and some friends just loooove your blog. Please try to update more often. Sweden readers loves you! =)

Would be really nice if you could write about how it is to live on the upper east side too.
And I just love the way you write, you are a truly inspire!

Anonymous said...

PS... seems you forgot one of your notches... I guess you should add the guy from Melons...