Why Men Aren't Married

Last I left it in the world of Sex & the Upper East Side, I was telling writer Tracy McMillan to suck it in response to her article “Why You’re Not Married.” Although I deemed about 97.6% of her reasoning as complete bollywash, I liked her style. She was calling out those pathetic girls who spent their lunch hours online building their own engagement rings the day after they had a second somewhat decent date and then wondered why that phone call for a third date never came.

Now, I’ve decided, it’s my turn to do some calling out and ridiculous statement making on this dreary Saturday on the Upper East Side. So listen up, gentlemen. Enough of this “I haven’t met the one” propaganda or “I’m just not ready to settle down” bullshit. No one wants to die alone. No one wants to grow old a la prunes, Nexium, and The View alone. So stop feeding yourself and your nagging mother these bogus lines. Here are the real reasons why you’re not married:

1. You’re disgusting. College is long over. You haven’t lived with your mother in at least five years (or so I hope). It’s time that you either a) learn how to do dishes, clean toilets, and find out the multiple cleaning capabilities that a Swiffer has to offer; or b) pay someone to do this all for you on a monthly basis. No woman wants to spend the night at an apartment where there is pee on the toilet seat and pubic hairs crusted to the shower wall.

Additionally, no woman wants to spend the rest of her life with a man that cannot even contribute to some household chores, whether it be physically or financially. And if you can’t get a woman to spend the night at your bachelor pad because it’s that disgusting, then you’re most likely not going to get a woman to stay on dishes-piled-high, mold-growing-in-the-bathroom lockdown with you for the next twenty-five years either.

2. You’re needy. Again, girlfriends are not mothers. Girlfriends are also not sous chefs, sex machines, maids, therapists, or entertainers. So yes, when you’ve had a rough day, of course we’ll be there to listen. And sure, we will cook you dinner from time to time. But if its Saturday morning and you’re ready to hit up H & H Bagels and Starbucks and I want to continue to sleep, the solution to this predicament is very simple—go pick up half a dozen bagels, lox spread, and two cups of coffee yourself and bring it home for breakfast in bed.

It’s essential for a man to be able to independently care for himself and be able to fulfill his own needs. You shouldn’t need anyone’s suggestions or guidance to complete simple tasks. You should be able to fill your own Saturday afternoon with errands and entertainment of your own choosing. No one wants a clinger or a helpless child. Women should only have to deal with that when they’re actually raising their own children that they birthed from their own wombs (teachers excluded on this one). So learn how to pay your own bills, drop off your own dry cleaning, socialize in group settings, and utilize Internet porn when necessary.

3. No one wants to have sex with you for the rest of their lives. Maybe it’s because you’re a chain smoker and you have to stop for a breather thirty-five seconds before climax. Maybe it’s because you’re oddly hairy, overweight, or have morning breath worse than a grizzly bear who just gnawed on a dead deer for eight hours. Or maybe you’re just terrible in bed. Use your fingers. Use your tongue. If these concepts are foreign to you, then you better be blowing minds Tommy Gunn-style in the arena of thrusting. Never had a f*ck buddy? Never been drunk dialed for a late night booty call? Well that’s a sure fire sign that you’re probably terrible and/or disgusting in the sack. And with stats like that, a woman dedicating you as the last notch on her bedpost is highly unlikely. Man-scape, brush your teeth, and read some how-to’s.

4. You’re a pussy. You mean to tell me that you’ll never settle down, you’ll never walk down an aisle and exchange vows, you’ll never intentionally procreate, all because you’re afraid of getting hurt? I hate to use the p-word, but it’s really the only word to appropriately convey this point. So you’ve been burned once and it hurt like hell. Maybe you had a breakdown in your boss’s office one day at lunch. Maybe you turned into a stalker for a short period of time after the break-up (yes, restraining orders fall under the stalking category). Maybe you couldn’t get it up for another woman unless you were blackout drunk for a good six months after it was over.

Regardless, that’s no excuse to avoid future serious relationships. The whole tough guy act is, quite frankly, pathetic. You’re not “above” relationships because you’re better than them, because you don’t need a woman, because you like being a bachelor, or because you’re okay with having casual sex for the rest of your sexually-capable life. Be a real man and acknowledge that this little act is actually because you’re a pussy and are afraid to put yourself in a vulnerable position.

5. You don’t have enough money. Out of college and still on the family plan? Couch surfing because you can’t afford to pay rent? Febreezing the hell out of your jeans and suit jackets because dry cleaning is not in the budget? Most women won’t admit it, but money is an important factor when it comes establishing a relationship with a man. Love can only take you so far. If you’re unable to provide for yourself now, how will you provide for her and any unborn children in the future? And how will you be able to afford that ridiculous engagement ring she’s spent three of her lunch hours designing? It’s an ugly truth, but a truth nonetheless. Just throwing it out there…

So there it is, gents. Read ‘em and weep. And you can fight me on them, but the truth of the matter is that I will probably rebuttal the hell out of your lamentable arguments.