Continued from last week’s “Loose Lucy”…
“Lucy seemed disappointed and a little confused about the whole not having a reservation thing, so I suggested we just go back to my place and order in. It worked like a charm too. Before I knew it, she was on my couch kicking her shoes off and making herself comfortable,” Jimmy recounted with pride.
“I’m totally pulling the diner trick next weekend,” Johnny announced.
“So what happened next? You spoon fed her home fries and the rest is history?” I asked.
Johnny and Jimmy looked at each other knowingly.
“I did make the effort to call the diner, but I lied and told her the line was busy and we would have to call back in five minutes. Again, Lucy was skeptical that a diner on the Upper East Side at 4:00 A.M. could be harder to get into than Buddakan on a Thursday night, but I just skimmed over those minor details and got down to business,” Jimmy explained.
“We started with the basics—making out and heavy petting. But after I took off her shirt and suggested we head into my bedroom, she freaked. She told me that she felt guilty for hooking up with me because she had been talking to Johnny the past few weeks and did in fact like him—she shouldn’t be hooking up with another guy, let alone one of his best friends.”
“So I scoffed, rolled my eyes while shaking my head, took her hands into mine and said, ‘So Lucy, Johnny didn’t tell you, did he?’ Lucy of course shook her head no, looking very worried and confused, as she sat topless with unzipped pants on my living room couch,” Jimmy went on.
“So with all seriousness, I said to her, ‘Lucy, Johnny has a serious a girlfriend. They have been together for over a year and a half. I can’t believe he never told you.’ Well that was all she needed to hear. She stood up, grabbed my hand, and pulled me into my bedroom.”
“You’re such an asshole, Whisk,” Johnny said, pounding his fist on the table. “I can’t believe you ever sealed this deal with Lucy.”
Johnny had of course heard this story before, in fact the very next morning when Jimmy conference called him and six of their other friends who lived together in a house in Brooklyn. But today’s recount was just another painful reminder of both the girlfriend Johnny lacked and the ass he never got from Lucy.
“Well, not only did I seal the deal the old-fashioned way, but my sexual prowess also brought out the freak in her,” Jimmy smugly explained.
“What’d she do? A little dirty talk, ass smacking, hot wax? How freaky can you get the first time you hook up with someone—especially someone you’ve only known for a total of ninety minutes who refuses to feed you?” I asked.
“Well Bacchus, I highly doubt food was on Lucy’s mind when she turned around and asked me to take the alternate route, if you know what I mean,” Jimmy professed with all seriousness.
A loud gasp escaped our table as my, Annie, and Otis’s jaws hit the floor and Johnny buried his head in his hands, wishing Jimmy had never walked into Tin Lizzie that Saturday night.
Jimmy sat back in his chair, beaming with pride as he sucked down the rest of his Heineken. “What can I say, I’m pretty irresistible.”
“What I actually find mind boggling about your little late night rendezvous with Lucy is, number one, that she invited you to visit Browntown the very first time you hooked up; and number two, that she actually forgot the name of someone who she was intimate with in Browntown. Maybe you weren’t as good as you thought, considering she totally erased your name from her Browntown database,” I insinuated.
“That’s a great point, Bacchus,” Johnny agreed. “You must have been pretty awful, Jimbo. I’m surprised she didn’t send you her therapy bill.”
“How could she send him her bill when she didn’t even remember his name?” Annie reminded the table as Johnny, Otis, and I laughed on.
“It happens to everyone.” Jimmy said in an attempt to defend both his ego and Lucy’s lack of memory. “Watch me seal this deal one more time.”
And with that, Jimmy got up from our table, sauntered over to Lucy for a second time that day, all smiles and charm.
“Lucy is skewing single men’s expectations for one night stands. She needs to start hanging out below 60th street.” I declared. “I thought the Upper East Side was supposed to be classy?”
“Not with you in this zip code, Bacchus.” Jimmy Whisk said as he slid back into his seat. “Why don’t you tell us about your latest sexcapade now?”