Thursday, April 02, 2009

Male Whores, Serial Monogamists & Perpetual Friends! Oh My!

As I sat in the nail salon, held hostage for approximately 120 minutes by two non-English speaking women, I began to think about the trials and tribulations of dating in New York City. Women, more often than not, seem forever concerned with the superficial matters of dating. We pay hundreds of dollars each year for highlights, lowlights, teeth whitening, cellulite removal, eyebrow threading, Armani foundation that costs more than my cable bill, the list goes on. Most straight men couldn’t tell a Louboutin from a Steve Madden if their heterosexuality depended on it, but here I was spending my afternoon getting exfoliated and paraffined from head to toe.

As women, we also worry about trivial, inconsequential details. What do the first three words of his second to last text mean? Did he really have to work late or did he just want to watch the Rangers game with his friends instead of having dinner with me? We hooked up last weekend, so why hasn’t he friended me on Facebook yet? Does he think it’s weird that I still collect Trolls?

In the middle of being force fed grapes and serenaded with Celine Dion power ballads by Mai Ling and Suzi, I paused. Here I am dipping myself in hot wax for softer, more supple skin, but what the *$%! are all the men out there consuming their thoughts with? And do their personal grooming routines get this much attention? From the chest hair and unibrows I’ve seen lurking in many Upper East Side bars, I highly doubt it.

While men spend a considerable amount of their time researching the best pitching line-up for their fantasy team and debating which of the Girls Next Door has the nicest rack, they do devote some time to mulling over their current female situations. If you’re dating a guy in one of the below categories, here’s some insight into their relationship thought processes (or lack thereof):

The Male Whore
You have to give Male Whores some credit—their techniques are quite effective, even on the best of us. They see something they want, they go after it and usually, they get it (if they didn’t, we couldn’t consider them whores). But because of their high success rates, they don’t feel like they have to bring much more to the table. And if you think you’re going to be the girl that changes his ways, think again. Male Whores are easily distracted and embrace change, which means you have a brief window to have fun before getting too emotionally involved.

Signs He’s a Male Whore
He only calls or texts late night after he’s been drinking. If it looks like a booty call and sounds like a booty call, then most likely it is one. If he wanted to have an actual conversation with you rather than just swapping saliva, he would have called before he slammed fourteen beers at happy hour. Another telltale sign of Male Whoredom is if he invites you over to watch Gossip Girl (or something to its equivalent), hoping you’ll reenact a Chuck and Blair scene with him during the commercials. If he truly cared about quality face time with you, he would take you out to dinner rather than use your favorite guilty pleasure to lure you into his apartment.

The Serial Monogamist
A Serial Monogamist can be the ideal boyfriend, but not until roughly three to six months down road. This category is typically comprised of men who jump from one relationship right into another, rarely allowing for the adequate number of one night stands needed after a break-up. Serial Monogamists suffer from low confidence when they don’t have a girl on their arm, so they tend to keep girlfriends around until they have the next one properly lined up. Be prepared for high sensitivity and overanalyzing from his end.

Signs He’s a Serial Monogamist
You’ve been on three dates and he wants to take you to his college roommate’s wedding—in September. Like everyone, Serial Monogamists have a comfort zone. They are most secure and fulfilled by having a significant other. By planning six months in advance, he can gain some reassurance that you will stick around at least a little while longer. Desperation and neediness are never attractive, so when he hints that he wants to come with you to Girls’ Night, it’s time to have the talk.

The Perpetual Friend
Everyone has one—he’s your best guy friend and you accidentally made out once in college after playing seventeen games of beer pong. His grandmother adores you, your dog likes him more than you, and he’s the one who bailed you out after your run-in with an undercover male prostitute. While he may be the nicest, most stand-up guy you know, you have no interest in human contact with him unless he’s pulling your head out of the toilet the morning after Cinco de Mayo.

Signs He’s a Perpetual Friend
You would rather hook-up with your second cousin than with him—your second cousin from West Virginia. The second cousin who showed you how to inseminate a cow the last time you visited.

The Dateable
The Dateable is the guy we’re all seeking, but can’t always find in the polluted sea of Male Whores, Serial Monogamists and Perpetual Friends. He’s good looking, wears acceptable jeans, understands your scratch-off lottery ticket addiction, and laughs at your jokes (obviously because they are always witty and right on cue).

Signs He’s a Dateable
If you can’t recognize a good catch without a play-by-play from this article, set up a meeting with your life coach.


Anonymous said...

Over time, I feel like I have been all of the above. Is that possible? Or is it once a male whore, always a male whore?

Marilyn said...

You are very, very good. Please don't stop writing... not no way, no how.

Monica Llanes said...

This article is very good! Lol! :-)