Secret Language of Men (as Translated by a Woman)

I came across this article the other day. David Zinczenko, Editor of Men’s Health magazine and published author in the ever confusing realm of the male psyche, wrote an article on the secret language of men. Oh, I couldn’t wait to read this piece thinking that Zinczenko was finally the one to break the code and provide me with a clear road map to the short circuit wiring in the male mind. Would he be the one to unearth the secrets women have tried to excavate for years?

Citing a study which confirmed what we already know: Women speak an average of 20,000 words a day and men speak an average of 7,000; women are obviously the more loquacious sex. But Zinczenko believes within those few words that men use is the key to understanding them fully. It’s about what they say and don’t say, a code more confusing than DaVinci’s.

But in my humble opinion –it’s either total fucking bullshit or blatantly obvious.

Guy Speak: So a guy says to another guy: “Check out the rack on that waitress. Her headlights are on full beam. Damn, I want a piece of that fine ass.”

According to Zinczenko’s translational guide, this comment isn’t as obnoxious or sexist as it seems. It boils down neatly to that while men love sex, they don’t enjoy talking about sex that they are having with their wife or significant other. They are respectful of the women who they cherish in their lives and do not want to disrespect her or blow her trust which was difficult to earn. So while men still need to go out and pound on their hairy chests Tarzan-style, letting off some testosterone filled steam – they respectfully leave their own love lives out of their barroom banter.

Excuse me? That ain’t going to fly here. So if in fact, I over hear my adoring fiancé (which he would never say) say to one of his work buddies, “That little Southern Dixie chick with the great ass who works in Accounts Payable is one sexy little slice of homegrown American apple pie,” I am suppose to laugh it off and see the comment as merely him exercising his male bravado? Not the case. I would be removing all testosterone producing materials. With a butter knife.

Guy Speak: Stats, Stats and more Stats

Ever been out with a bunch of guys and listen to them prattle on about some inane sports statistic. You know, when you are sitting at a big dinner table at some sleek sophisticated uptown café with crisp linen napkins and the men at the table try to dazzle and one-up each other with their knowledge of RBIs or what QB threw the most interceptions during games that were on Thursdays, in the rain, in cities whose geographical coordinates are all even numbers? All the women at the table try to talk over the high fives flying overhead. We look at our other female dining companions, shaking our heads in unified disgust. Zinczenko sees sports as a unifying factor, bridging the gap of differences economically, socially and culturally for all men.

Ok, fair enough…..and pretty obvious. Women do that too. We unite over our shared love of shoes and handbags which is pretty much an estrogen-based obsession. While we don’t drone on about which designer made the largest tote of the season, it’s a shared area of interest. Like sports for men. Shopping and fashion are our common thread. No mystery solved here.

As a woman, I am disappointed in the article – it’s pure frivolous fluff. I was hoping for some hallelujah moment where I raise my arms towards the heavens and a ray of white light envelops me. Far from it, more like acid rain.

“He’s Just Not that Into You,” was much more of an eye-opener than stating the fact that men like to use movie lines to convey emotions they might not be able to find their own words for. We still need someone to explain the real issues: Why do they say one thing and do another; Why do mature at a rate of coal turning into diamonds and Why do they refuse to communicate directly?

Women may speak more words than men, but all we really want is for them to do is listen. Women don’t need a long winded tirade of explanations or chit chat. We want you to hear us. So boys, be stingy with your words – that’s fine. Just be open with your ears ‘cause you really didn’t have us at hello.